Sunday, 3 January 2010


This was originally posted on the awesome Clinic Presents blog. Posting it here with added links so you can scare yourself at night. Enjoy.

The Creepiest Headphone Songs Ever

It’s a fact that music has become invasive. Unless you find yourself in a university library or a sensory deprivation tank then it’s nigh on impossible to avoid music entirely. Anyway, lying in bed with your headphones on, preferably in the dark, is one of life’s small pleasures. Unless you happen to be listening to one of these songs:

Akon ft Snoop Dogg – I Wanna Fuck You
From the album Konvicted (Konvict Muzik, 2006)
A confession: I actually really, unironically, love this song. Mainly because I’m a sucker for Akon’s slightly alien, effeminate voice and Snoop’s laid back delivery. Plus it sounds just like the seminal Luckycharm 12” by German techno babe Ada, which leads me to believe that Akon is a big fan of the Berlin/Cologne minimal axis. But holy fuck this it’s creepy. The basic conceit is that ‘Kon’s in a strip club and sees some girl he wants to bang. Instead of asking her politely if she’d like to go for a drink, maybe a movie, hell, maybe even a meal, he just flashes the cash and repeatedly tells her how much he wants to fuck her. Except he can’t pronounce the word properly and it comes out as ‘furk’, which is worse if anything. The radio edit takes it a step further and ramps up the creepiness by having Akon tell this girl that he just wants to ‘love’ her, an idea that seems both innocent and desperate. Snoop does his normal overtly sexual thing and goes on and on about how he’s ‘bird’s eye, got a clear view, you can’t see me, but I can see you’ but you know what? ‘Pussy is just pussy’ he tells her, but she’s ‘pussy for life’. Feminism was a success wasn’t it?


Sufjan Stevens – John Wayne Gacy Jr
From the album Illinois (Asthmatic Kitty, 2005)
Let’s be serious here: John Wayne Gacy is one of the creepiest people to ever live. He raped and killed at least 33 young men. He dressed as a clown and threw block parties to entertain children. There is nothing creepier than a murderer dressed as a clown. That’s a fact. So it was surprising to see the normally quite dull Pitchfork approved Stevens to write a great song about Gacy. It’s effective because of the little details he picks out (mentioning the victims having ‘summer jobs’ sticks out in the mind) and the atmosphere of quiet desperateness that he conjures up. The last verse is an absolute killer:

And in my best behavior
I am really. Just. Like. Him
Look beneath the floorboards
For the secrets I have hid


Lightning Bolt – Duel in the Deep
From the album Wonderful Rainbow (Load, 2003)
A few years back, I asked Father Christmas to get his elves to make me up a copy of Wonderful Rainbow because a) the cover was beyond rad b) the 30 second sample of one of the tracks I heard on Amazon got my pumped and c) it was that or It’s Always 1999 by Mindflayer (I was determined to have one album released on Load) and well, that record’s a bit gash. Saint Nick delivered the goods and I played WR over and over, reveling in its technicolour ejaculations of melody. No record before or since can get me this stoked. Except for the last track. God, that last track. 6 minutes of detuned bass ambling along, sounding like some horrendous underwater beheading. The only stuff I’ve heard that makes me feel as ill as ‘Duel in the Deep’ does is Wolf Eye’s Burned Mind (Sup Pop, 2004), which is potentially the worst thing I’ve ever heard. And I only bought it ‘cos Mojo gave it 5 stars. That was the last time I trusted those guys.


Daniel Bedingfield – Gotta Get Thru This
Single (Relentless Records, 2001)
UK Garage/2step produced some utterly amazing music that still sounds great today and is a reference point for a lot of the Hyperdub et al producers. But some of it was almost ungodly. Close your eyes and listen to Gotta Get Thru This. Picture Bedingfield’s gunty little beard, that braindead look in his eyes and the possibility that he probably still bathes with his sister. Then listen to the vocal. That horrible, whining, strained, pitched-up vocal. Then listen to the really lazy beatboxing in the background. Then listen to the lyrics. Then remember the video with Daniel chasing some bird around a stairwell. Then turn the song off and have a cold shower.


Bam Bam – Where’s Your Child?
12” (Desire Records, 1988)
A robotic voice asking you, over and over, ‘WHERE’S YOUR CHILD?” a jackin’ bassline, an insistent 3 note synth melody. Acid house could be creepy. As. Fuck. I don’t even want to imagine the terror of hearing this record on drugs. I get scared enough listening to it in bed with a glass of cherryade.

Honorable Mentions:
Xiu Xiu – I Luv The Valley OH!
Suicide – Frankie Teardrop
Rhoda with The Special AKA – The Boiler
Jandek – Nancy Sings

1 comment:

  1. ...daniel bedingfield....!?!?!? hardly Come To Daddy in terms of scariness/creepyness?

    Would like to add anything by Swans on headphones is instant kill-yerself music. There's also an interlude on the second aereogramme album with the sound of a woman crying uncontrollably that is just horrible, far too realistic.

    Cheery stuff indeed! Amy Blue